my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
