My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
