My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You took a bar mat shot.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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