I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
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