TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
