...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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