Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
