Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
