He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
