Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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