im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
