i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
we're so committed to being not committed
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