i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
