Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
