Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
