checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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