I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
