His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize