i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
