I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
