did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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