her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
