Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Operation Purity has been aborted
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
