Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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