maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
