All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
