....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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