I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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