how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
