I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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