I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
