just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
