i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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