bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
