Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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