he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
