my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
