dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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