I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
