who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
