And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
