How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
