Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
