70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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