The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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