She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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