Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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