omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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