I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
