do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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