seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
