Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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