just come out here and I will go home with you...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
