Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
