According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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