Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize