it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
