and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
