i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
