Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
