the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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