Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
