Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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