he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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