Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
