There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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