Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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